Hi everyone. I need some serious prayer.

My family has always been poor. Growing up, we were poor, and now being married, we're poor. State insurance, food stamps, the whole bit. I don't have a college degree and neither does my husband. He has a job that pays 1/4 of the bills each month, and we rotate who we're going to pay. Bad system, but it's all we can do.

We have too many kids for me to go to work ... we'd be paying most of what I make for daycare, and the older ones would have to be in public school. My husband works odd hours during the week, so I can't get a part-time job when he's home, because I couldn't be consistent with it. We don't live close enough to any friends or family that would babysit, and even if we did, we only have one vehicle, and I never got my driver's license.

My husband, though I love him to pieces, isn't fully sold on homeschooling. It's more of a "if you want to, since you're home anyway, go ahead." But now that things are getting beyond tight, he's starting to hint towards me going back to work, regardless of whether we can afford it or not. We've talked over and over about other possibilities, with friends and family, and he's willing to go back to school or to move about an hour and a half away to get a better job (the grass is always greener ...) but we can't afford to put him through school, or even to move. He put in one application at a place nearby about a month ago, and since they never called him back, it seems like he's written off ever finding a job around here.

I don't want to be bitter about this, but it seems like he's willing to ruin all of our lives except his own, in order to do the job he's supposed to do--provide for his family. I'm not against working, if it would make financial sense and I can keep homeschooling, which I know God has called me to. But my husband ... is just not on board.

I need some prayer, and if you have been here before, some advice. We have an appointment next Tuesday with our pastor and his wife to talk over some issues we have in our marriage, and I'm thinking of bringing this up then, but I'm not sure it will do any good. Though the pastor and his wife did homeschool for many years.

Please help if you can, and thank you for reading such a long post. I appreciate it.

Bekah-
I have been on the road that you are on and it is an ugly one. My husband started a business and ended up not working for almost 2 years and he was home most of the time during the day, completely disrupting our school time partly because he didn't have the vision of homeschooling. I had gotten us food stamps and medicare and the like and we lived off of credit cards for those 2 years and we borrowed money from who ever would lend it to us. I look back on it now and see that God was working on me and helping me to believe the scripture of MAtt. 6:28. He also was working on my husband. It was a long process and a very hard time. I was filled with bitterness and anger at my situation. I didn't want to be wealthy, I just want to be comfortable. If my kids needed new underwear, I would stress about how to pay for that. OR a birthday party came up, that would send me crying about how could we pay for anything! We were mere minutes from losing our house, we had electricity, phones and everything turned off. All the while he was beening taught and broken by God. I wouldn't change those years for the way God has worked in our lives, but it was so hard. We are still not out of it. We had almost $90,000 in credit card debt and the consequences never seem to stop, which really challenges my faith. I tell you all of this to say be true to what God is asking of you. Yes, it is a heavy yoke but you have made it this far you can make it through today. God desires to hold us tenderly and He has not forgotten us. I ended up working part imte but I was lucky in that my hours were flexible so I could work around his schedule or lack there of. Here are a couple of websites that allow you to work at home and the hours are completely flexible. You would take orders over the phone so you have to get a headset for your phone. www.arise.com and www.liveops.com
Bekah our job is to be our husbands helper and to pray for him. Lift him up continually in prayer and also pray for God to help him catch the vision of homeschooling. God will not forsake you, He may stretch you more than you like. He does not want us to have the spirit of poverty about ourselves. We are redeemed and children of the most High King. We have a crown that cannot be sold on e-bay. It is for us alone.
I will pray for you-
Mara

Bekah-
I thought of one more thing. Try ot respect your husband and build up his self esteem and confidence. I was so angry at our situation and my husband saw that as his failure and it caused him to question his abilities as a provider. Which he wasn't being, so I just reinforced his feelings of unworthiness. And that started the downward cycle.
Mara

All my heart, sympathies, and prayers. We, too, went through the grinder. We were in school, saddled with debt from a former business partner who money-laundered and defaulted on his share of the loans when the FBI showed up, one who had a nervous breakdown, and family conflict that endures to this day. We were a family of 5 living on $17K a year. BUT, our situation was a little different because we knew when we got out of school we would have a good income. It is so much easier to bear poverty when you know it is most likely temporary, and I don't mean temporary as in we'll all die and be in heaven one day. Poverty is serious stress and anxiety. And, like you, I remember FREAKING OUT if anything got wasted. For a year I wouldn't even spend $5 at a cosmetology school to get my hair cut, and I didn't wear make-up because I couldn't afford to replace it if I ran out.

Also, I could point to many of my husband's decisions and actions that had put us in that spot. I understand when you say, "I don't want to be bitter about this, but it seems like he's willing to ruin all of our lives except his own, in order to do the job he's supposed to do--provide for his family." I felt just like this. I WAS BITTER!

I will be praying for you. And, I echo much of what Mara said. I knew at the time that, despite my anger at my husband's decisions, he was in depression and felt like a failure. He felt that he had failed as a father and a husband, and when he needed extended family, he felt that they had abandoned him (and I don't mean need as in $). And, honestly, his track record wasn't lookin' too great. It was a terrible time for him, a time of blackness, despair, and discouragement. Was I any help? I don't know. I tried not to nag, but how can a person hide their deep frustration?

During our poverty, the Lord changed him deeply. His faith is so doggone deep now, it amazes me. And, he changed me. I looked in the mirror and realized that maybe I wouldn't want to come home to me everyday, and maybe I should work on my own heart. Switching to a denomination that takes Communion bi-weekly meant that at least every other week I had to look at my own sin, and nobody else's, at the foot of the cross. Martin Luther says that trials are lost of the unsaved, as they serve no purpose but to make them miserable. As Christians, God meets us in our trials. The "sucky" part is that while you're in the trial it just hurts so much, and the burdens of this world feel so heavy.

Again, honestly I admit that knowing we had a light at the end of the tunnel made everything easier to bear. Your situation sounds much more permanent, and thus a much harder one in which to see hope.

My prayers you have. My advice? Remember that a man needs to feel like a man, not a failure. But, as women we can't enable men to shirk responsibility. I have a friend whose husband insists she work full-time so he can buy more "stuff." That is an obvious case of the man making bad decisions. I don't know enough about your situation to know what's happening, but listen to those who know enough to have wise advice. Pray for, support, encourage, build up your husband, first and foremost. If the burdens of irresponsibility, bad decisions, laziness, whatever, are now falling to you, however, be sure you get wise advice on how to handle that, as well. Your husband sounds like a man who is willing to work, but feels beaten down, discouraged, and somewhat hopeless about being able to find a better position.

You are meeting with your pastor. Maybe you shouldn't bring up HS yet. It sounds like there are more important issues that need help first. Public school doesn't destroy kids nearly as badly as a broken family, even if it's a broken family that is still officially together. We homeschool not only to impart knowledge, but to show our kids wisdom, character, and how to love God. In fact, those last things are more important. So, take care of the relationship that models those things to your kids before you tackle HS or public school.

My heart goes out to you. I was you not too long ago. I'll be praying that you see a light at the end of your tunnel, too. When I get to heaven, I'm going to ask God why we require such great trials on this earth to refine us. I'm going to tell Him how much it really stunk, and that I wished he would have just made me refined without putting me through h---. Then I'm going to ask why he just didn't let me win the lottery, and end my $$ woes. And then I think I'll probably feel stupid that I even asked the question, because Scripture makes it clear that we are refined by fire. I would rather be refined by cotton balls and feather pillows, though, I must admit.

It's so trite to say in the end that "it was all worth it." But, in the end, it was worth it, and I would go through double the trial time before I would make things the way they were before the trial. (Triple trial time, though, and I'd have to think about it... .) And, my husband came out of it a man I could respect and follow, and trust, and one not in despair anymore. I hope he says he came out of it with a fantastic wife, too, one who supports and encouraged him.

Thanks for sharing your heart. We are praying for you,
Deanna

P.S. I'm very human and very sinful, and I get nervous whenever I "give advice" to people when the advice is not all squishy and happy. If any of you read this and feel I've given bad advice, please say so immediately. If I knew all the answers, I'd write them down for everybody. Nobody asks me for answers, so I surely don't know them all, and I would hate for my unwise words to lead somebody astray.

Bekah,

My heart goes out to you and I will commit to pray for you and your husband and children on a regular basis. (I'm writing it down now.) I don't really have any advise for your situation, except to encourage you to PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. God is not unaware of your deepest heart needs and He wants to meet every one of them! Turn to Him and lay these burdens before Him, expecting to find that He is the only source of contentment and peace.

And I completely agree with the other ladies, that your husband has deep emotional and spiritual needs as well. And while I don't begin to pretend that I could give you a list of all the ways you can be his helpmeet in this situation, I do know that you MUST be a helpmeet, in whatever way the Lord leads you to be. Pray for him diligently, and then strive to support and respect him in a godly manner, even if (when!) he may not "deserve" that respect.

I know this is a hard road. I hurt for you and think you did the right thing to ask for prayer. So....I will pray.

God's blessings on your school year, whatever turn it may take.

Understanding....and praying.
Jenni

Thank you, ladies, seventy times seven ... Your words helped me so much. You have no idea. I expected to get a chastising for not being submissive to my husband, etc., but figured it was worth it if someone was praying. But you gave me encouragement! Thank you so much.

Through many prayers, my husband is now looking into going into one of the trades, through a union apprenticeship. It seems like the answer to prayer, if he can get in one of them. Please continue praying, though, because there are many dangers, financial and physical, with that line of work. And so far, though he has talked with me about it, he hasn't looked for anything or filled out anything ...

Again, thank you so much. Your encouragement and advice was just what I needed. Bless you all.

Dear Bekah,

I applaud these ladies that shared their experience and feelings with you. My life has mirrored theirs.

Deanna and Mara, you have expressed feelings that some of us would not dare and I thank you for being so honest. (Been there.)

My husband started over at 40 and went into the electrical apprentice program. He started at the bottom and ended at the top in 5 years. He was the Apprentice of the Year. I am sooooooooooo proud of him. It was so hard those 5 years. Unbelievably hard, but like the other ladies, God brought us through it. We almost got divorced because he felt so unworthy, twice. With the prayers of our friends and church members he restored us. He is now a foreman and makes a good wage. We will never be rich, but I do not have to cry because I can buy my kids underwear now. I do remember those days. Seems like yesterday.

I will keep you in prayer. Please be willing to pray him through the schooling it will take for him to get where God wants him. My husband would stop at Dairy Queen and do his schoolwork and study because as soon as he got home the kids wanted him. It worked out well for us for him to do it this way. They could not understand why he would have to lock himself in our room to get it done otherwise.

Hi Bekah,
You have been on my heart since I read your post and I felt led to encourage you with a few thoughts. Although we haven't struggled with finances since early on in our marriage, our family and marriage isn't without its painful issues...
It struck me, after reading all of the posts from other ladies that have had financial issues, how the Lord uses different means to purify and refine each of us. With some it is children with learning disablities, others may have financial struggles or problems with extended family...but, whatever the problems the Lord brings into our lives, it is put there especially by Him to work out His good plans for our lives and for His glory. He knows what areas we need to learn to trust in Him more and what means are best to strengthen our walk with Him--I just wish it wasn't so painful sometimes!
Now that I'm done pondering, I just want to encourage you...after reading your last post you mentioned your husband is thinking of looking into a trade, but hadn't pursued anything as of yet. I don't know your family personally, but with the issues in our home there have been many times when I see what I perceive as a wonderful change starting to happen...something that I've been praying and waiting for (for years and with many tears!), and then when things don't go the way that I've been praying for I despair! Please be encouraged and know that whatever the Lord leads your husband to do (even if it is nothing!), that He is Sovereign over the situation. I know at times like this in the past, I will plunge into even more of a state of bitterness and frustration-not trusting in God's promises that He is Faithful and to be trusted, especially in difficulties.
Last summer, when I was really having a hard time with our family problems, we studied the book of Habakkuk in Sunday School one week. It was so amazing for me to read that from the beginning of the book until the end, nothing changed in Habakkuk's life-everything was still falling apart around Him. But, what did change was how he chose to praise the Lord through these trials, which ultimately gave him the most joy: "Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. GOD, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places. " Habakkuk 3:17-19 (By the way, an excellent allegorical book about these verses is *Hinds Feet on High Places*).
On the practical side to being a helpmeet for you husband, there is a great book that I read years ago called *Miserly Moms; living on one income on a two-income economy* by Jonni McCoy.
One more little thought, thinking of how you mentioned you have always been poor. I have read a story to my children, as a reminder of how special they are to me (and forgive me for poor story telling here!), about a mother who sat listening to another woman go on and on about all of her different jewels and treasures. The woman then went on to ask the mother about what valuable things she had. The mother said she had three very valuable treasures and left the room, coming back with her three dear children (I get teary thinking about this one--sniff, sniff!). Just a reminder, in the midst of all of these trials you are facing, how valuable those little ones are. Ultimately though, we are rich because of the perfect gift of salvation the Lord offers us through His Son giving us "an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you.." 1 Peter 1:4.
I pray these thoughts are a blessing to you!
~Mary
"But we have these treasures in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. " 2 Corinthians 4:7

Hello to All,

I read all of your responses and am blown away by the faith and support of all...what glorious women you are to reach out in full honesty, support, encouragement and prayer. I'm not nearly going through the personal torment at the level expressed but we all get tested and refined in the fire, that's for sure. For me, I try to keep my eyes fixed securely now on God's blessings and his promises to provisions for all our needs. It is so difficult but when we come through the fire, we are golden jewels refined by the Lord. Nothing in the world can be purchased that gives us the refreshment or nourishment that the Lord offers and gives to all who seek him with whole heart and mind. I detect that your bitterness and anger at your husband is keeping the gracious Spirit from working fully - when we hold on to that bitterness, it is not of God. I will pray especially for the chain of bitterness to be removed from you so that the Spirit can move freely and caress you with God's graces that through His Spirit, He generously wants to give to us. I call it a "chain" because I experienced this painful prison of bitterness and anger and it almost destroyed my marriage and family until God, through his saving grace, love and compassion revealed to me that this was the source of my agony. I fell to my face literally sobbing, weeping and confessing my disgust with my righteousness begging for this cup of anger to be taken away for me. Only until I did this did my prayer get answered - actually I call it "prayer fireworks" - innumerable prayers answered, even private ones that I did not even audibly reveal but God knew my heart. When we confess our sin and look in the mirror to examine our defects and ask for wisdom, only then can we get clean and pure ourselves. I look back now and want to cry at how gentle and loving and gracious our Holy God is - full of wisdom and power. He cannot extend his power when we are not able to receive it. When we are paralysed with anger and bitterness, it permeates our every thought and stifles any greatness he intends to accomplish. I say this as a warning to you, not chastisement. I thank God every day for the encouragement and the assistance I had from people such as those that have commented here. Sometimes, all we need, is loving and direct advice and encouragement and even if it's not popular advice, it is what will allow God's grace to shine through. I pray that you will experience a renewal of your spirit and you will begin to see your situation with fresh eyes, pressing on valiantly and boldly one step at a time toward God's glorious promise for your life and the life of your family. God bless and I will remember you all in my prayers - all the moms who care enough to write and offer encouragement in one of our most sacred roles: wife and mother. Keep the faith and remember that when you are suffering, you are one with Christ, our Saviour, who suffered to show us how much we are loved and cherished and we are his treasures. You are God's glorious treasure and your children are your inheritance from Him. Trust Him and abide in his love and you will receive his tender mercies and joy that the world cannot give you. God's blessings and peace to you and all moms reading this!

Bekah,

You're walking a very difficult road. Just remember that God is the ultimate sustainer and provider. I will be praying for you and your family.

Leeann

Still thinking about you and praying for you. If this were a network drama or sitcom, then you'd have a happy and wonderful ending in 30 minutes to an hour. Unfortunately, real life is different, and I know trials can last quite a bit longer, and feel like a rollercoaster. You're way up high, seeing so far, thinking you see where you are going to go, and then...WHOOOOOOOOSH...you go right down the other side of the hill plummeting towards earth again. The sitcoms always end on top of the first hill, and they all look so happy! Praying for you on the rollercoaster of life, and hoping you can know the Lord is with you even when you feel alone.

Deanna