I posted this awhile back on the WTM website, but would love feedback from the TOG community too. I have a 10 yo dd who has a very bad habit of dawdling over her lessons -- especially math. I have tried persuasion, rewards, time limits with homework, everything I can think of. She is a very strong willed child and I can't help but think that sometimes it is her way of trying to control, but perhaps it's just part of being a girl this age.

I'm sure that many of you are faced with this issue too. Does anyone have suggestions I could try? I am pulling my hair out today!!

Thank you in advance.

Blessings,
Lucinda

I have a dawdler too dd9.

When we hit a road block I usually ask myself a few questions first.

-Is our family schedule/ stress level running my daughter ragid?

-Are there any physcial issues like illness, growth spurt, favorite pet dying, etc. added to the mix?

-Is DD showing defiance or lack of care in other areas room neatness?

-Does this child have the organizing skills to keep self on track, i.e., last month it was no problem?

Tools to use:
-Dawdler gets nothing from anybody other than basic necessities until job is done. This is what works for my strong willed kids. Please understand this may be way over the top for another child who is more easily persuaded.(This is implemented only after I've checked on the above questions. The issue at hand would not be one of training. It's the same, " I don't want to's" that we all have. My "I don't want to..." is vacuuming or doing the dishes.

-approach to daughter is- "This is a skill you will use your whole life." How can I help you reach this goal?

-Many times I've had to cut the quantity by 1/2 to build the skill of not dawdling. I've done this with flashcards, handwriting, math drill. After about 3 weeks of success, we were able to gradually increase the quantity.

I don't have a specific example with math but here is how a scenario is playing out now with dd and her room neatness.

issue: DD room is cluttered and a couple piles of clothes are on the floor, her work for the week is not complete lacking two items.

Questions I asked myself.
Has the schedule been too hectic? Yes, there was no time over the weekend to get caught up.

Was illness involved? Yes we've been dealing with an eye that's red and painful. However, the room problem is a build up of 4 weeks or more. Note to myself: I need to do a thorough check more often.

Are organizaion skills training needed? Yes we need to set limits on the number items to be on each flat surface, (desk, dresser, nightstand)

Have I seen other issues of defiance/ dawdling over chores etc.? No

My Action: Friday at 4 was the deadline to have room done and schoolwork. DD lost the following until jobs are done: sugar, playtime, TV/entertainment, reading for pleasure, petting favorite pets

-Problem solving help: I listened to daughter's feelings. The task seems impossible especially still dealing with itchy eye, and wondering if her cat will live. She wanted suggestions (It was a teachable moment). I suggested she pick one goal she could do in 10-15 minutes. She chose to clear her desk and worked for 20 minutes.

Saturday. Same scenario. DD still feels overwhelmed. I listen. She's open to suggestions. I suggest she fill a laundry basket with unwanted or out of season clothes and just put 8-10 outfits in her drawers. I set a new deadline with additional consequences. Tuesday morning her room becomes my job. I charge 5$/ hour. And I will probably remove 1/2 - 2/3 of your things so you have less to take care of. This is a natural consequence; it would be the same when you have your own home to care for. If you pay somebody else, you spend money, and it will not be done exactly the way you like it.

Dd came and told me happily, I'm almost done with my clothes. Where to I put the ones I don't want.

We'll see how it plays out. God is the giver of all wisdom and will show us how best to respond to each of our different children.

Teaching our kids how to motivate themselves is well worth it.
BigHugs,
Melody

Oh my goodness Melody, you are an angel! You have listed out so many ideas for me and I truly, truly appreciate it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

If its okay with you, I might come back later and ask you some questions about your suggestions. In the meantime, you have given me a lot of food for thought.

Blessings,
Lucinda

An update on our dawdling scenario:

About 1pm today, Monday, I heard DD9 dancing and screeching through the house, "I'm done, I'm done, I can play now!!"

I think I'll work on limiting the number of items on her desk, dresser at a later time because right now we're still dealing with an itchy eye and VBS each evening this week.

It's good I'm typing this because now I'm on the hook to followup and make sure she's covering the basics in her room: clothes put away, bed made, trash picked up, etc,

My husband reminds us that the frustrations/ trials in life are our training ground.

Some books that have been useful:
-Karen Andreola,The Charlotte Mason Companion I'm not sure I've spelled it correctly. The chapter that helped so much was about habits that I need to grow in my kids that are more important than any knowledge they could gain. Being a good worker, able to entertain yourself, quick to obey, etc.

- Another author is Kevin Leman Making Children Mind without Losing Yours This is where I gleaned the consequences ideas. He has an all or nothing/ do or die approach. The concept of I as a parent hold what my child wants and needs and I can leverage this to get my child's attention. The other idea is to fit the consequences to a real world consequence as much as possible.

Before anyone thinks our family is not still a work in progress, please know it was my mother who bought the discipline book. I'm sure she saw the struggle I was having to gain the respect of my children.

May God help us define our goals clearly and find the steps we need to take.

Melody